Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
