It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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