I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
