Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She announced her abortion via fbk
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
