his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
