so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
