If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Houston, we have a blender
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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