Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
