I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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