Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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