I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
