we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
