i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
