FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
