at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
