Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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