I have demons in me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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