I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
