can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
