this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
