Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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