my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
