I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
her facebook's as public as her vagina
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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