he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
