I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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