Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
