dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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