I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
