Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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