I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I forget how to act sober
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