doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
