I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
