New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
