so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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