im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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