i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
