Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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