Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
