I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
