i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
