Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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