between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
