were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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