I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
