All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
