ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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