I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
