someone threw a dead crab at me
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
