she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
