He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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